Christina Martin from the New Humanist has a quiz up on their website asking Which Pope Am I? Let’s see how I fare…

Q1) What is your typical daily routine?
Ans.) Claiming to be the Pope. Despite all the evidence to the contrary.

Q2) How would you describe yourself? Or how would others describe you?
Ans.) I would describe myself as the Pope. Others would not.

Q3) What has been the highlight of you career?
Ans.) Getting the keys to the Kingdom of Heaven. Yes, they have a door, and a lock. It’s almost as though the idea of Heaven was a human construct…

Q4) Said or decreed anything questionable lately?
Ans.) I decree plenty, but does anyone listen?

Q5) Have you made any mistakes during your reign?
Ans.) I call Papal infallibility!

Q6) Where do you stand on matters of a sexual nature?
Ans.) I’m too busy withstanding a siege to think about such things. A load of my Bishops have turned against me, agreeing with the other side that I’m not the real Pope. Unbelievable!

Q7) What’s your attitude towards Islam?
Ans.) Oh here we go again! Look, my speech was taken out of context. All I said was; “Show me just what Muhammad brought that was new and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached”. I meant well

Q8) What will you say to Jesus when you meet Him in Heaven?
Ans.) Well hello again! Sorry about denying you by the way

Q9) What’s your motto?
Ans.) I call Papal infallibility!

Q10) And finally, an important one this – what is your favourite ice cream flavour?
Ans.) Chocolate.

Meh! Apparently I am a giddy combo of the weirder Popes, Stephen VI, Benedict XVI and St Peter. Ah well.. back to work.

Well, it’s official! The Grand Cardamom has spoken. (See video). Apparently I am not “fully human”. Meh! Being human is totally overrated.

But the UK Government is planning to confer upon the Grand Mufti a peerage. Now being a Grand Cockatoo is one thing – but being Lord Cockatoo is a position in government and brings office and responsibility with it. And office and responsibility is something that's well kept away from religious people and Grand Colanders. If you object to the peerage, sign the No. 10 petition at http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/nocormacpeerage.